we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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