i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
In other news, I just burned my penis
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize