I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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