I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
