Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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