I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
