I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
