she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
