I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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