o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
