i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Randomize
