I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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