the condom got lost in my hair
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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