I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
