guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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