Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize