Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
