Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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