I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
