Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
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