I can text with my tongue
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
