she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
