i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
