I'm jealous of your bromance
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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