so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
