6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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