Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
