i think my tv is drunk
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
