I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I still have a little drunk in my system
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
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