We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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