you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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