Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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