i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
