How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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