I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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