I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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