Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
