I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I love you. Go after that dick
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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