you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
