I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
