I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
