Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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