I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
