you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
