its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
