hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
