just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize