I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize