She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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