dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
