I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize