i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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