I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
