her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
