My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
