She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
