Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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