i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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