Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
