He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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