is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize