I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
