I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize